Mitchell-Lama Mama’s Blog

an ordinary life in an extraordinary city

Shadows May 19, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mitchelllamamama @ 1:43 pm
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Forget chasing windmills, I have to stop looking at shadows.  I do my most productive thinking through my fingers; keyboard or pencil, so please bear with me.  😀

 

I don’t just love my children, I adore them.  Each of them.  There are similarities in all three, but those similarities come out in different ways, and they are distinct individuals.  🙂

 

When I look at the girl, I smile always.  Usually because she’s smiling at me.  Baby’s first learned response, right? 😉  I know there is good that has come out of this neuro crud.  Her appreciation for kindness, her caring nature that includes concern for discomfort of any and all living creatures, her ability to laugh no matter how many tubes and wires might be attached to her at the moment, her strong work ethic.  These past days, though, I’m also seeing the shadows of those evils; woulda, shoulda, and coulda. 😦  I’m not focused on them, but I’m aware of their presence in a way I haven’t been since I last wrestled with thoughts on acceptance.  

 

We all want better for our children, better than we had, better than they have now.  I am not talking solely about material things– though I certainly wish for an easier reach for the checkbook on the 1st of the month for them.  If I could hand anything to my children it would be an understanding of how to balance.  Mama took herself way too seriously when she was younger, and then spent too long not taking herself seriously enough.  I know that sense of balance is something every person has to find and weigh for themselves.  As Mama, I try to help them to see what needs to be weighed, and how to portion it all out.  Right now, these shadows are getting in the way when I think about “what next?” for the girl, even though I know (thankfully) she doesn’t see them, and doesn’t ever need to.  

 

I will get past these maudlin thoughts.  They’re counterproductive, I can’t possibly help the girl move forward if I’m looking back.  But today, as I wait to see if the nurse from school calls again, I’m sad. 😦

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6 Responses to “Shadows”

  1. Susan Says:

    Mama, So sorry you are sad. I have no words of wisdom, no wealth of knowledge. I offer you my shoulder to lean on and my hand to hold. I do want to thank you for sharing your introspective, touching thoughts today. The girl is very lucky to have such a kind, caring, loving mama 😉

  2. Thank you, Susan. I’ll take that hand–it helps. 🙂

  3. cmscribbles Says:

    One risks maudlin thoughts and sadness when they love deeply and think deeply–don’t try to move to quickly away from this. I’m not saying take up residence where you are today and get stuck in this spot mind you. Rather, I am saying, give yourself grace. These emotions are a part of being…a part of sorrow and grieving.

    I agree with you that you “will get past these maudlin thoughts.” Because YOU WILL.

    Your blog entry today made me think of a few quotes I’d like to share here:

    The first is by priest, author, and respected professor Henri Nouwen:

    “Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.”

    I can tell by this one entry you made that you are experiencing this truth of joy and sorrow.

    The second (and third) are from author Isak Dinesen:

    “Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.”

    and,

    “All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story about them.”

    Mama~ just a thought….
    have you considered using your gift of writing to give birth to your authentic story–a work of non-fiction?

    Be present in this moment and remember that no matter what… you are loved.

  4. ((((((cmscribbles))))))))) You are beautiful, and you are a gift. ❤

    I think this blog is as close as I'd like to get to a work of non-fiction relating to my experiences in the world of neurocrud.

    Writing fiction is my way of finding truth, and my respite. I can use it to explore authenticity without expecting anyone outside of our (relatively small) circle to be enthralled by a work of crud. 😉

  5. Barbara Says:

    Wow, Cmscribbles, your thoughts on this and the quotes you shared are beautiful. I too was inspired by them.

    Yes, Mama, always a hand here for you to grab onto.

  6. Thank you, Barbara. ❤ I agree, cmscribbles is inspired. 🙂


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