Forget chasing windmills, I have to stop looking at shadows. I do my most productive thinking through my fingers; keyboard or pencil, so please bear with me. 😀
I don’t just love my children, I adore them. Each of them. There are similarities in all three, but those similarities come out in different ways, and they are distinct individuals. 🙂
When I look at the girl, I smile always. Usually because she’s smiling at me. Baby’s first learned response, right? 😉 I know there is good that has come out of this neuro crud. Her appreciation for kindness, her caring nature that includes concern for discomfort of any and all living creatures, her ability to laugh no matter how many tubes and wires might be attached to her at the moment, her strong work ethic. These past days, though, I’m also seeing the shadows of those evils; woulda, shoulda, and coulda. 😦 I’m not focused on them, but I’m aware of their presence in a way I haven’t been since I last wrestled with thoughts on acceptance.
We all want better for our children, better than we had, better than they have now. I am not talking solely about material things– though I certainly wish for an easier reach for the checkbook on the 1st of the month for them. If I could hand anything to my children it would be an understanding of how to balance. Mama took herself way too seriously when she was younger, and then spent too long not taking herself seriously enough. I know that sense of balance is something every person has to find and weigh for themselves. As Mama, I try to help them to see what needs to be weighed, and how to portion it all out. Right now, these shadows are getting in the way when I think about “what next?” for the girl, even though I know (thankfully) she doesn’t see them, and doesn’t ever need to.
I will get past these maudlin thoughts. They’re counterproductive, I can’t possibly help the girl move forward if I’m looking back. But today, as I wait to see if the nurse from school calls again, I’m sad. 😦